You Don't Know Schmitz

I chose this song because of the title. All of this chaos in the world makes me feel like I can’t do anything and that I’m hopeless, essentially. Like I’m going backwards. Also, Tame Impala can always keep me inspired and occupied. I’ve found myself listening to his music way more often than even before during quarantine. I listen when I’m writing (like right now), drawing, cleaning my room, driving to work, etc. This song is just good, too. Can’t really complain there. Anyways, Tame Impala has been keeping me sane with his funky and weird music.

The title says it all. I’m bored. Beyond bored. So bored to the point where cleaning my room and going to sleep have been some things I’ve been looking forward to. Going to work is my only social interaction, but all of my friends are there so it’s alright. I’ve been making money. Billie has never been one of my top favorite artists, but I actually love her and her music. She inspires me to do whatever I want and not have any care in the world about what other people think. I’ve really been relating to this one lately.

Again, another relatable title, but for two reasons. One, I am feeling super lonely like the song says. Two, this song became popular from TikTok which I have been on 24 hours a day 7 hours a week. I’ve been making some videos on there that gotten around 1200-1500 views. Not to flex or anything. Just kidding. That just further proves how lOnElY I’ve been. This song is also just super catchy and a nice feel-good option, despite the lyrics repeatedly saying “I’m lonely” or “now I’m in the bathtub crying”. Just forget those ones. Besides the constant longing to see my friends and go in public, quarantine has been not the worst.

My heart is broken.

Today it was announced that school will be closed for the rest of the year. I’m done. I’m never going back. No wacky olympics. Senior prom. Senior prank. Senior farewell. Maybe not even a graduation ceremony. It all got taken away so fast. I never got a senior solo for choir. I’ve been waiting for all of this since freshman year, and now none of it will happen. I miss the teachers that I complained about. And the ones I said hi to every single day. And the ones that were very close to me. I miss walking through the overcrowded hallways despite how many people I pushed out of the way “because I’m a senior.” I miss everything. I wish more than anything to go back and relive highschool and cherish every detail if I knew all of this was going to happen. I would do anything to wake up minutes before I had to leave, scramble to get ready, jump in my car, still manage to get a coffee from Dunkin, and barely make it to school just one more time.

This doesn’t feel real. I never thought I would see the world like this. Everything hurts. I don’t know the next time I’ll see my friends. I have so many things going through my head but also nothing at the same time. I wish none of this ever happened and everything was back to normal. I miss life.

I don’t want to grow up. I want to be a kid forever.

Since this quarantine has resulted in me locking myself in my room entertaining myself, I’ve really been staying organized and keeping my room clean and cute! My room is my safe space, So I want it to look at pretty as possible. I’ve been doing a lot of decorating lately! I ordered a new tapestry and a 33 foot long string of lights. I now have 2 tapestries in my room and I wrapped the lights around them. It looks adorable. I also paired those new lights with my colored LED lights that I already had. Normally during the school week, I am always overwhelmed and cluttered in my head, making my room cluttered as well. It’s nice to have a nice, open space with no clothes lying around, no makeup spread out all over my desk, and everything being in order.

I’ve also been deep cleaning and giving things away. While I can’t go donate them right at the moment due to the stores being closed, I now have 3+ trash bags of old clothes and old toys I dug out of the top shelf of my closet. It was so satisfying to get rid of all of that unnecessary clutter! Cleaning has now become a stress reliever of mine, and now I seem to be doing it even when I’m bored.

I’ve been feeling really good lately. I’m enjoying all of this free time, and I’ve surprisingly been a lot more productive. I miss my friends a lot. But I just keep thinking how much more fun it’s going to be once we can all see each other freely again.

Due to no school being in session for the past couple of weeks, the extra time has allowed me to work more. And honestly, it’s kind of weird. Almost eerie, in a way.

While my work environment and my relationship with coworkers has not changed, the overall flow of working has. Seeing signs on the front window saying for customers to stay 6 feet away from each other is something I’d never expect to see. Or seeing people drive up in the drive thru with winter gloves and masks on, taking back their credit cards with only their pointer finger and thumb. It’s weird, you know? Although the tips have been great. I’ve gotten $20 from the last 2 shifts. I’m not complaining.

I am very lucky that I am still employed. With the circumstances of my job, it’s very easy to stay open and stay safe. I’m very fortunate. Although, it’s gotten a little more stressful due to the amount of employees dropping like flies. Not from illness, but from parent paranoia and quarantine. I believe we are down 10 people. More money for me, I guess?

Day shifts are almost a ghost town, meanwhile everyone and their mother likes to flood us with business and have cars wrapped around the building. Don’t get me wrong, business is great! But when you’re understaffed by 2 people, it’s chaos. Customers have definitely been nicer. They should be, I’m risking contracting any disease you have by giving you your Oreo concretes and Hot Fudge sundaes. Sheesh.

I’m excited to get back into the school routine. I need some things to occupy my time.

Lately, I have been doing strangely well. Like scary well. Unusually well. It doesn’t seem realistic, but I want to cherish it for as long as possible. I started some new medicine and it’s been actually giving me the chemical that my brain was lacking! Crazy how that works. Anyways, to express and share some joy, here is a list of the top 10 things that make me just a little bit happier. 

#1. Hugging someone when you haven’t seen them in a while. That tight and warm squeeze seems to just make all problems disappear.

#2. Getting a good score on something you thought you failed. This one doesn’t happen to me quite as often, but the surprise of it never fails to make me smile.

#3. Eating something you’ve been craving. It’s just that satisfying first bite. Probably one of the best things in this world.

#4. A kiss on the cheek. The light flutter of the soft lips of someone you love whether that be your mom, your partner, or your cute little old grandma.

#5. A weighted blanket. When I’m feeling anxious or just need the support of a body who isn’t there, that 10 pounds of soft fabric are there to save the day. Thank god.

#6. Putting your hair up after a whole day of having it down. It’s something about that tight pull that just feels refreshing. 

#7. Eating a warm cookie or brownie. Fresh out of the oven and your nose just can’t get enough. The first bite of the gooey chocolate or peanut butter or snickerdoodle or whatever you prefer. It’s awesome.

#8. Getting presents from a loved one. Seeing that person think of you and care about your interests gives you a whole new perspective. It makes your heart all warm and fuzzy.

#9. A gentle back rub. Especially when your back hurts. The light pressure and reassurance that whoever is doing it cares enough about you to touch your back.

#10. Winning an award. When you’re in a crowd of people and that suspense is creeping up your back and then you finally hear your name over the microphone followed by your teammates screaming for you.

Happiness is an amazing thing. I just wanted to take some time to share it.

Lately I’ve really been letting life sink in and I’ve really been thinking about it. College is just around the corner and I’m about to start fresh. I cannot wait any longer.

I’ve been taking a lot of time thinking about the people in my life and who’s really worthy of my love, time, and attention. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think so highly of myself that I expect people to bow down at my feet and worship me, that’s not at all what I’m saying. What I mean is that I am tired of wasting my energy on people who give me half of what I do. I’m tired of crying over people who don’t bat an eye at me. I’ve been trying to open my eyes and realize who’s good for me and who I need to let go, maybe forever.

I will admit that I’ve been so much happier lately. Maybe growing apart from people that I thought were my forever friends is a good thing. It’ll be easier to let go once it’s time for the fall and I won’t feel deserted, or like I need to depend on people. I think it will feel good. I’ve realized that the people who love and care for me have been right in front of me the whole time. And I haven’t even seen it. Giving your energy to someone and receiving the same amount back after sinking into an endless abyss of sadness is the most refreshing feeling and at this moment I would not trade it for anything. I’m not going to name names, but thank you to those who have been here for me. Nothing you do goes unnoticed.

Social media has been taking over my entire life lately. Between school and work, all I do is stare at my phone screen for hours and hours on end. It’s seriously a problem. It’s gotten so bad to the point where I’ve been getting headaches and dizziness from looking at my phone screen for so long. Yikes.

I thought my headaches were a result of caffeine withdrawal symptoms, or even dehydration, but no. It’s from the lack of sleep I’ve been experiencing due to my inability to get off TikTok. I’m ASHAMED. But I can’t fix it. Dear god, help me.

My sense of humor is so broken that I now find a video of a Spider-man action figure being bathed in a sink and later being thrown across the room (in slow motion, may I add) absolutely hilarious. I feel the need to send it to everyone. It’s not funny in the slightest. Tiktok has torn any brain cells I had left to shreds. 

Now that I mentioned that video, I feel the urge to mention the TikToks that I have not been able to stop thinking about. 

•The one where a girl takes a whiff of a paint can and claims to turn into Albert Einstein and has a green screen video of her dancing on top of the formula E=mc^2.

•The one where a guy says to the camera “Everyone keeps saying ‘Are your freckles real? Are your freckles real? It looks like an Instagram filter. Well, here it is!’” and the rest of the video is him rubbing his face while screaming. Why is it funny? I don’t know.

•Lastly, any of the TikToks that say a music artists name in English Google Translate and then have the same artist in French Google Translate and then having stereotypical French music play in the background with a photoshopped mustache, beret, and baguette. Truly terrible content.

I’m embarrassed.

Music is a very important thing in my life. It always has been and I take it very seriously. No, I’m not one who listens to rap songs about drugs and money and calls it music. I listen to a variety of different artists with many different styles, sounds, and lyrics. The past few years have been my peak of music discovery and the shaping of my music taste, so here are my current top 10 favorite albums.

#10. Pretty. Odd. – Panic! At the Disco

This is an oldie but a goodie. Call me emo, but you can never go wrong with some Brendon Urie.  These songs are just weird. But weird in the best way possible. My favorite song from this album is “From a Mountain In the Middle of the Cabins”. I always appreciate some good horn action. 7/10.

#9. LOVE + FEAR — MARINA

Marina is 100% one of my all-time favorite music artists, but this album didn’t bring as much to the table as her other ones. Don’t get me wrong, this album brought some amazing music, but I was a little disappointed. Original, funky tunes like “Orange Trees” will stick as a favorite, but as this album progresses, each song gets a little worse. 7/10.

#8. Stoney — Post Malone

Call me a hypocrite for the thing I said about rap music earlier, but this dude can sing! While the face tattoos and love for Bud Light may not be the most attractive, the voice behind the mic makes up for it. A lot of the songs on this album are in fact vocally focused rather than spitting out words. “Feeling Whitney” will always be an emotional favorite. Posty will always have a special place in my heart. 8/10.

#7. Yours Truly — Ariana Grande

2013 Ariana came to play! Some of the most beautiful songs I’ve ever heard have come from this album. “Tattooed Heart” and “Honeymoon Avenue” are my two personal favorites. This album has been with me since middle school, and while middle school isn’t a time I want to remember, this album makes up for it. 8/10.

#6. Currents — Tame Impala

This definitely might be the weirdest album I’ve yet to hear, but I love every second of it. The man behind this music is an absolutely GENIUS. Everybody knows the hit “The Less I Know the Better”, which is a very groovy song with a funky bass line. My personal favorite is “Past Life” which consists of a ominous deep voice narrating the whole song with a chorus with vocals. It’s so weird. SO weird. But it’s absolute art. 8.5/10.

#5. Skin & Earth — LIGHTS

I’ve loved the artist LIGHTS since the beginning of middle school and I haven’t stopped loving her since! Compared to her older albums which are very electronic and digital, this album is more modern, chill pop. And her songs have some of the most original lyrics I’ve yet to hear. What’s so unique about this album is that she wrote her own comic book series based on this album. Each song tells the story of her character in the book, and I think that is beautiful. 9/10.

#4. Fine Line — Harry Styles

If you didn’t think his first album could be topped, you were wrong. Everyone knows the beloved British boy from One Direction, but this is a completely new Harry. An upbeat breakup album with some sprinkles of tears. “Cherry” and “Golden” are both tied for my favorite songs on this album. The man made me cry and then absolutely jam with the next song. Well done. 9/10.

#3. Hollywood’s Bleeding — Post Malone

The third album Post has released, and definitely his best. This album has more rap than Stoney which was mentioned above, but it’s words a person can actually understand! HB features a range of artists including Ozzy Osbourne, Da Baby, Travis Scott, Halsey, and more. “Staring At The Sun” featuring the angelic SZA is by far my favorite song on the album, including impressive vocals by both SZA and Post. A very good sing in the car song. 9.5/10.

#2. Thank U, Next — Ariana Grande

Grande never stops! After producing 2 albums in less than a year, she keeps getting better and better. An upbeat “fuck you, pay me” breakup album leaves fans blown away. Every song on this album is a favorite but in so many different ways. Each one is so different from the last and has a completely different message that I could write a completely different blog about each song. I can’t put this album into words. Marvelous. 10/10.

#1. Electra Heart — MARINA

Last but certainly not least. This album is always the album I think of when I’m asked either who my favorite music artist or what my favorite album is. I spent years researching the story of this album, which is about Electra Heart. Electra is a character that Marina created to fit different archetypes: The Homewrecker, The Housewife, The Beauty Queen, and the Idle Teen. Her music videos are numbered and you can watch them in order or in reverse and it creates 2 completely different stories. This album and entire concept is absolute ART. 10/10.

This is just a small glimpse inside of my music taste and preference, and I highly suggest taking a listen to any and all of these albums.

It’s February, so you know what that means! Well, you probably don’t, but I’ll tell you! It’s competition season! After 4 years of this routine, I’ll tell you, it doesn’t get easier. Let me break it down.

It’s a Saturday morning after riding a 4 hour bus ride on Friday afternoon to some Midwest wonderland. At the crack of dawn, the hotel fire alarm goes off! What a fantastic wake up call. Just kidding. That did happen once, though. Anyways, you wake up at about 6:30 and go eat those amazing hotel complimentary breakfasts. Always the best part. Then after breakfast you start your hair and makeup at 7. Two and a half hours go by while frantically putting fake eyelashes on your face and burning your hand with a curling wand. Time to get on the bus!

After the bus ride, you arrive at the competition school and that little burst of butterflies starts to kick in. There’s so many people! Just like me! Who do the same thing as me! It’s seriously a great feeling. Watching other groups is one of my favorite things to do because you compare your own show, costumes, and songs to someone else and get to see how different every group is. It’s really amazing.

Of course, you have to have the free time to explore the school, eat, and mess around a little bit. This time I think is definitely the best. You get to walk around and take a good look at the school and discover things. Whether that be that a school you go to is a literal Dick Van Dyke shrine or that another school’s mascot is a purple, large, muscle-y rooster. Yes, it was terrifying.

Performance time! This part is self explanatory. Get up on that stage, dance and sing your brains out, get dehydrated and so tired that you feel like you’re going to pass out at any moment, and take the bows! After the performance there’s typically always a critique to either praise you for your hard work or tell you that your performance was absolutely horrid. There’s no in between. Awards come next. If I could compare awards to anything, it would be a high school mixer but where people AREN’T self conscious or think they’re too cool to dance. It gets pretty crazy.

WOOHOO! You made finals! Have fun re-curling your hair in 30 minutes just to turn around and mess it up again! Final awards are the most nerve wrecking thing ever. Will that school beat you? Did you beat their ass? You’ll see!

It’s time to go home now after a 15 hour day. Time for a nice, long, bus ride back home and to get back to school at 3 in the morning, feeling absolutely dead inside. But I wouldn’t trade it for the world. Show choir is great. I’m glad I get to experience something like this.

Last week I experienced an embarrassing awakening. I’m currently enrolled in a Family Relations class here at Marquette and the first project was a Genogram project. It’s essentially a family tree project, but way more confusing and requires drawing a bunch of symbols, names, dates, and all of that history stuff.

I gave my dad a phone call with the intention of getting some information about my three uncles. Three. Keep that in mind. “Hey, so, out of you and your three brothers, who are the oldest?” I asked.

This is where it gets embarrassing.

“That’s easy. Me and then Matt,” Dad replied. “I only have one brother.” I was horrified. “Wait, but what about Mike and Paul?”

“They’re not my brothers. They’re my second cousins.” This sentence physically made my jaw drop. Seventeen years of living. My whole life. I lived thinking I had three uncles. I have one. Just one. That’s it.

Later that night, I ask my mom, “When were Jennie and Jill born?” Jennie and Jill are my cousins. I’m surprised I even knew that at this point. “Well, Jill was born first with Gene.” Gene? Gene? I asked her to repeat herself. “Yeah, Gene. My sister’s first ex-husband.” FIRST? Am I seriously that oblivious? “Alan is Jennie’s dad. Laurie’s second ex-husband.” At this point I was angry.

That day is when I found out I really, truly am a disgrace to my family.